Tag Archives: thoughts

There’s No Month Like April

april11.jpg

In the northern hemisphere the weather warms, the grass greens. Life is in full bloom with flowering fields, fresh produce, animals awakening from hibernation and mating. A burst of colors on the horizon. Spring is in full swing. Warm showers water the terrain. In the Midwest the risk of tornadoes and severe thunderstorms increase.

A semester closes, and graduation is around the corner. Taking a trip down memory lane, I recall grass stained jeans, prairie dogs, swinging in the park, and field day in elementary, spring mixers and track and field in middles school. In high school prom and last preparation for finals and projects in college.

Cloud watching during the day and stargazing at night, enjoying cookouts and ride with the windows down. The sound of children playing, sprinklers, dogs barking, the chirp of crickets and birds, and lawn mowers returns. The smell of barbecue and fresh cut grass permeates the clement breeze. Light jackets replace coats, dresses exchanged for sweats, and shorts, and blouses in place of jeans and sleeves.

A quarter of the year is over, and it’s a wonder what the remaining part will yield. April is a time of global and personal triumphs and tragedies. The third week has historical ties to horrific events. It is also a period of reflecting on those who entered and exited my life.

It’s a month and season of transition and transformation. A merging of innocence with maturity, loss and gain. The antithesis to autumn where everything slows, cools and dies instead all is revived in a new form. There’s no month like April.

Advertisements

There’s Something About the Number 26

There’s something about the number 26. Throughout my life there have been landmark moments for good and bad surrounding this number. My grandmother one of the most influential people in my life was born on the 26th of January. My older brother is also born on the 26th of May. The 26th of February is when I uploaded my first YouTube video, the 26th of November is also the day I originally opened a YouTube channel. The 26th of March is when I began writing my second novel. I could go on and on about all the events that took place surrounding the 26th of the month.

Beyond my life, 26 has some interesting facts. Twenty-six is the atomic number of iron. According to gematria the number is the sum of the Hebrew characters for name of God–YHWH. The number is associated in Greek with agape love, the highest form of love outside of friendship and sexual interest. It deals with commitment and will. Some associate agape love with originating with God. Like my life experiences surrounding the number, I could go on all the coincidences affiliated with it.

Regardless, the number will always hold a significant place in my heart as it is the number that continues to pop up time and time again.

 

Ambivalence

How did I get to this point? Torn between two worlds. Both are as promising as frightening. Pulling in me in opposite directions. Like an internal tug-of-war. I can’t seem to make up my mind, which way to go. Both come with wins and losses. All I want is the best outcome. If I chose path A, I will have to sacrifice everything I’ve known for a potential more vivid future. If it’s all a mirage, I’ll lose everything in pursuit of a pipe dream. However, if I cling to what I known on path B I’ll miss out on an opportunity that might only come around once in a lifetime. However, things are starting to pan out, but still aren’t where I want them yet. This monotony with the same-old-same old routine is tiresome. Something’s got to give? Yet I’m fearful of acting rashly. Familiarity brings comfort with certainty. Yet my longing for change grows by the day and I’ve outgrown this waiting period where I stand at this mental crossroads indecisive.

Memory Lane

Let’s take a walk down memory lane. Depending on the day you might get a tour of the gorgeous villas, mansions beside the countryside with lots of fun times attached to them. A ego stroked and laughter in the air. If I could’ve stayed in that moment forever I would’ve. Then there are the darker parts of memory lane teaming with rodents who swarm dilapidated buildings that were once the sought after for business, but were closed from bad investments. It’s painful on that side of town with all the abandoned housing haunted by trauma and broken dreams.

False Awakenings

Dreams within dreams are one of the most frightening things. You wake up and you’re running late. Or maybe in an odd situation so you try to remedy it by rushing to school or work, but a few seconds later you get up to find that was a dream and you’re thinking to yourself, I thought I already woke up? but you haven’t and you’re a little freaked out. Almost as if you’re in the twilight zone. Something doesn’t quite feel right so you climb right out of bed and you head to get ready when something odd occurs that shatters your false sense of reality and you awaken again, this time you’re questioning if you’re awake after the other two false awakenings.

I’ve only experienced this phenomenon a couple times, but each time it freaked me out. I had sworn I’d woken up several times, but truth is I had only awakened once. The rest were dreams with dreams. I’m not sure what causes this or what it means, but it’s not a fun thing to experience.

 

Regret

If someone would’ve told me that I’d fall in love with a villain, I’d think they were crazy. Cliché? Right, good girl head over heels for a bad boy, and she reforms him. I wish, but life isn’t a bubble gum pop song. Relationships are complex. Before I met him I was blinded by pain. At the time I would have called it ambition since I thought being an actress would fill the gaping hole within my soul. That the lights, camera and fans would somehow bring the love I never had. Like a whirlwind he blew into my life filling my world with darkness and chaos. Suddenly my dreams were cast into a barren wasteland as my destiny was intertwined with his delusions. Like a cult a
leader, he’d fed me the poison, and I was asleep in a nightmare.

Predestination

I used to say free will was undebatable. We all had it. I’m the master of my fate. Who would even think to question it? Then it dawned on me, wait a minute if that is so then riddle me this? Why do I have no say over my biology. It was predetermined. Why did I not chose my parents? The sperm egg in which I came, I had no say. What about my mental process. Ha, if I think I simply chose before my conception to be then that would make me a god. I’m no god. Every choice I made was a product of predetermined circumstances. My past like where I grew up who I lived around were preselected. If there’s free will it’s limited.